Deus Ex: Patch Upgrade
by The Eurostar Galaxy
Summary: This is a Deus Ex comedy based directly on events of the game. 2 chapters are up, detailing the intro movie and the training mission.
1. Film obsessed maniac is officially evil

Deus Ex The Patch Upgrade  
  
The game was produced by Eidos so therefore it is theirs.  
  
Hello FFNet peeps! I have had this idea of a parody of this fine game, so here it is, constructive criticism is helpful. (  
  
-------Chapter 1: Film obsessed manic is officially evil!  
  
Two guys are in a cool looking red room, even by 2000 game graphics standards..  
  
BAD GUY 1- You appointment to Super Lawyer should be ready within the week. I've discussed matters with the senator, we decided to watch Titanic instead of The Scorpion King.  
  
BAD GUY 2- I take it he was agreeable?  
  
BAD GUY 1- He didn't have a choice, my taste in bad films makes him cringe. It was the lesser of the two evils.  
  
BAD GUY 2- This plaque-  
  
BAD GUY 1- What plaque? Are you insulting me in my taste of films?  
  
BAD GUY 2- Hey! You consider Battlefield Earth a masterpiece! Can we get back to the virus that kills poor people?  
  
BAD GUY 1- Oh, that one.  
  
BAD GUY 2- It's getting out of control. More than those crappy music records your friends listen to constantly and you have to avoid hurting their feelings by saying 'It's good' then they blast that shit out all the time.  
  
BAD GUY 1- That crappy eh? And it kills poor people?  
  
BAD GUY 2- Not enough ear muffs to go around, the music just kills them.  
  
BAD GUY 1- I mean the virus.  
  
BAD GUY 2- Not enough vaccine to go around. The under classes are starting to get desperate to use the toilet, and plenty of people don't flush them.  
  
BAD GUY 1- Of course they're desperate! They can smell their death-  
  
BAD GUY 2- Damn straight.  
  
BAD GUY 1- And the sound they make will serve as a warning to the rest.  
  
BAD GUY 2- My advice: Don't drink the water in other countries. You'll hear the exact same sound. I hope you're not underestimating the problem, others may note go as quietly as you think-  
  
BAD GUY 1- Like the time I put laxatives in that scientist's coffee?  
  
BAD GUY 2- (Snickers)  
  
BAD GUY 1- That'll teach him to talk to me about quantum physics while I was watching 'Leprechaun In Space'  
  
BAD GUY 2- Paris is in trouble-  
  
BAD GUY 1- He would be in trouble after that 'incident' in Troy.  
  
BAD GUY 2- The city?  
  
BAD GUY 1- Oh yeah. Those peasants are pathetic, they don't know a masterpiece when they see it!  
  
BAD GUY 2- For the last time, Under Siege is not an epic!  
  
BAD GUY 1- And Steven Segal is an actor with no talent (!)  
  
BAD GUY 2- Yep.  
  
BAD GUY 1- He's the best actor ever! Anyway the old gits are trying to run the world. But they were left behind with black and white films long ago, WE ARE THE FUTURE!!  
  
BAD GUY 2- Other problems...  
  
BAD GUY 1- Badass Squad?  
  
BAD GUY 2- Formed after the A Team, I have someone in place though, but Savage has relocated to Sydney to make more Matrix films.  
  
BAD GUY 1- I thought 3 films were enough! Never mind, our Lord of the Rings remake is far more advanced, and their..budget constraints allow us to move into areas they refuse to consider!  
  
BAD GUY 2- The Annoyingly Indestructible Bastard That Will Turn Against Us project?  
  
BAD GUY 1- Among other things which will be kept anonymous for the player to find out, but I must admit I'm impressed with the primary unit.  
  
BAD GUY 2- Unit 2 should be operational as soon as the first level loads up, my people will report on his progress and then the primary will be made with a typical MicroSoft patch upgrade.  
  
BAD GUY 1- (Shudders) Poor guy. We've had to endure much you and I but Cloister The Stupid spoke of Fuchal and soon we will be crowned it's kings...or better than kings...PORN STARS!! (Evil laugh)  
  
BAD GUY 2- Uhh...Fuchal is from Red Dwarf...and it's a comedy, you shouldn't take it seriously-  
  
BAD GUY 1- They never took me seriously when I nominated Steven Segal for an Oscar did they!  
  
BAD GUY 2- Oh boy.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
So what do you think? Should I continue? Support appreciated!  
  
Thanks! 


	2. Skills and Training

**Deus Ex The Patch Upgrade**  
  
The game was produced by Eidos so therefore it is theirs. Don't sue me please or I might die.   
  
What up?  
  
At the time of writing there are no reviews to respond to so onto chapter 2! I decided to do the training because I had some crazy ideas.   
  
-------Chapter 2: Skills and Training  
  
Before the game begins the player has to choose a number of skills which our hero, Anagram Man has to be equipped with, here are his skills selected:  
  
Stupidity----------------------ADVANCED

Rudeness ---------------------TRAINED

Common Sense---------------NONE TO SPEAK OF

Computer Skills---------------ARE YOU KIDDING!

Pistol--------------------------WHAT DOES THIS DO?

Hair Gel-----------------------MASTER

Rifle---------------------------LOOKS LIKE A HAIRDRYER

Frog Tossing------------------TRAINED  
  
Now onto the training!  
  
**Badass Squad Training Facility**

**Behind the shops **

**Next to the dump  
**  
_Anagram Man is in a shiny room with pillars, with a metal detector to the side, a man is going through it.  
_  
_BEEP!  
_  
Guard- Would you please remove any metallic items you're carrying? Keys? Loose change?  
  
Man- (Shows all his guns)  
  
Guard- Holy shit! (Gets punched, and very soon bullets are flying everywhere)  
  
(AM hears a voice calling him)  
  
Voice- I reckon you were sick of drills by now-  
  
AM- Damn straight! BBBBBBBZZZZTTTTT!!! In my head! Every day!  
  
_Everyone stops shooting at each other and look at him_  
  
Voice- This should be more interesting than the Academy, which kinda reminds me of the Federation of Planets-  
  
AM- Oh nuts.  
  
Voice- My name is Bond. Jaime Bond.  
  
AM- That is so lame!  
  
Jaime- You can talk Anagram Man! Go through the door by clicking the right mouse button...  
  
AM- What button?  
  
Jaime- The right mouse button.  
  
AM- I know you want me to press the right one but which is it?  
  
Jaime- (Sighs)  
  
_AM goes through door at other end after intense computer training for twenty minutes which goes in one ear and out the other.  
_  
Jaime- Now pick up the key, using the right mouse button, objects in the world are interacted with by this button.  
  
AM- (Looks extremely confused)  
  
Jaime- Of all the agents I could train you gave me this one!  
  
Agent, who was BAD GUY 2- (Giggles)  
  
_After a long counselling session with a psychiatrist AM is able to pick up the key and go up to the door  
_  
AM- Err..  
  
Jaime- (Bangs head against wall)  
  
Agent Walton Simons- (Plays with his rubex cube)  
  
_After another long discussion with Game FAQs AM is guided on how to use his Nano key ring and goes through.  
_  
Jaime- To log onto the inventory screen at any time, press F1 to access it and you can add or remove items at any time, and...you're not getting any of this are you?  
  
AM- Hell yeah.  
  
Jaime- Checking your inventory...Hair Gel!?  
  
AM- You never know.  
  
Jaime- F2 brings up your objectives so you can track your objectives at any time, but I have no doubt you will only have to guard the snack machine and (Walton whispers in his ear)...What? Missions the world depends upon? Oh crap.  
  
_AM goes through into the room, on a table there is a bomb, gun, flamethrower, crowbar, knife, FHM magazine, banana, and an assortment of cookies.  
_  
Jaime- Pick up any of these items and use it to smash the crates. One of the crates is indestructible.  
  
AM picks up the FHM mag and the cookies and sits down, eating and reading.  
  
Jaime- (Sighs again)  
  
AM- My God!  
  
Walton- What?  
  
AM- Do women really have two breasts?  
  
Jaime- Yes they do. Now pick up the crowbar and smash those crates.  
  
AM- I can't believe it, women having TWO breasts? What kind of a twisted world is this?  
  
Jaime- IT'S VERY FRIKEN' TWISTED WORLD NOW DO YOUR JOB!  
  
AM- Okay. Jeez. (Picks up the banana and nothing else)  
  
Jaime- (Banging head against wall) God..damn..it!

AM- (Smacking the banana against the metal crate) Bond...it isn't working...  
  
Jaime- Boy. Game FAQs are going to have a field day over this...  
  
_A crack team of Game FAQs soldiers come down and eventually, through an epic story too long for this fic they manage to get AM to smash the crates.  
_  
Jaime- Great. Now pick up the lockpick.  
  
AM- (Thinking) How do you do that again?  
  
Later on, five hours to be exact AM manages to pick up the lock pick and get to the door.  
  
Jaime- Doors represent various values, doors with a certain strength can be broken with explosives and...(Looks at AM who is very confused) Never mind.  
  
_AM manages to get through the door and goes to another room, with a nice shiny cube on the desk.  
_  
AM- Is this the new GameCube I heard about?  
  
Jaime- Nope, this is a Datacube with instructions on it, and next to the other door is a keypad. Are you confused about this?  
  
AM- No. I hear you loud and clear. (Falls asleep)  
  
_In AM's dream there are ducklings learning how to buy a condo from the giant frog called Captain Bastard who is holding a sausage at gun-point  
_  
Captain Bastard- Move and the Sausage gets it!  
  
Duckling 1- Do what he says! That includes you Horatio Spankmaster!  
  
Horatio Spankmaster, another duckling- Don't worry. I long studied at the academy with a great man who can help us buy the condo and save the Sausage! SAVE US ANAGRAM MAN!  
  
_AM flies in before dealing with terrorists with his Oh-So Mighty muscles and flings a pie into Captain Bastard.  
_  
Captain Bastard- You win this time Anagram Man, but when you win your Presidency, I'll be waiting for you on Inauguration Day at the White House! (Gives the ducklings a set of keys and releases the Sausage)  
  
Horatio Spankmaster- How come you're so great?  
  
AM- It is a mix of vitamins, intelligence, strength and above all, a sexy body. Now if you'll excuse me I have to get back to my photo shoot, and I have dinner in the PlayBoy mansion and then another assignment to save the world!  
  
Jaime- WAKE UP!  
  
AM- (Wakes up from his dream) Yes Mummy! I'm ready for school! (Looks at Jaime and realises where he is) Oh it's you.  
  
Jaime- Read that cube.  
  
AM- How can I trust you?  
  
Jaime- Eh?  
  
AM- It could be a bomb, you might want to kill me!  
  
Jaime- Well...The thought did occur to me. But...I'll give you food!  
  
AM- Pie.  
  
Jaime- Deal!  
  
AM reads the datacube:  
  
_Got you this time! If you have got this far you might have smelly feet! The code for the door is 666. It's our favourite number at Badass Squad.  
_  
AM- Talk about a normal bunch of people.  
  
_He types the code and goes through. In the next room there is a TV, newspaper, datacube, and some multitools.  
_  
Jaime- Here are some multi-tools which can be used to hack the keypad, and...What are doing!?  
  
AM- (Aiming the multitool at the tv and pressing the buttons.) What does it look like Einstein?

Walton- At least he'll be too stupid to destroy us.  
  
AM gets to the door upon after another tutorial but with something he understands...a talking toaster.  
  
Toaster-...And you use the multi tool like that?  
  
AM- Wow, that's so cool!  
  
Toaster- Do you want some toast?  
  
AM- Why not? (Eats toast)  
  
AM goes through.  
  
_Along the corridor a soldier is in a booth.  
_  
Soldier- I'm here to take all munitions and equipment, thanks...(Tries to take AM's equipment, but AM is holding onto a multi-tool)...for the...look just give it will you!  
  
AM- (Pathetically) Noo...  
  
Soldier- (Gets the tool) Finally! Stupid Bastard!  
  
Walton- (From the monitoring room) Exceeelleenntt. Everything is going to plan! HAHAHAHA!!  
  
_AM goes into the next room, only to see a body on the floor.  
_  
AM- OH MY GOD!! A CORPSE!!  
  
Jaime- He's unconscious. Although during the main game if you do this everyone will say you killed him anyway so it's the same thing. Put his body into that room and the chef will slice him up and cook him for tonight's meal. Fancy a Soldier Burger, soldier?  
  
AM- Why not?  
  
_Body is put on table.  
_  
Jaime- Nice one. I'll put Private Winslow on for tonight's menu.  
  
_After going through the door AM enters a dark room.  
_  
AM- (Shivers, and cold sweat is coming off him and he falls unconscious but wakes back up.)

Jaime- I take it you're scared of the dark?  
  
AM- Yeah. Don't tell Badass Squad this will ya?  
  
Jaime- I won't. (Saves video onto disk and picks up phone) Manderley? Wait till you see this!  
  
AM- Are you talking to someone?  
  
Jaime- Nope. Activate your light and go through.  
  
AM- (Rolls a spliff and lights it, taking a quick puff)  
  
Jaime- Well that's good enough I suppose.  
  
Back in the lighter areas, AM sees a robot  
  
Jaime- This robot will give you electricity you lost. That's it. And don't use it for sexual pleasure.  
  
AM- Aww...  
  
Jaime- But you have done Phase 1 (Mouths 'Finally') and next we will teach you how to jump and stuff, and cameras are bad.  
  
_In the next room there are pipes in the way, and AM runs into the first one.  
_  
AM- Just checking the distance...oww...  
  
Jaime- You have to crawl under that one.  
  
AM- (Runs into it again)  
  
Walton- Place bets everyone! I say it takes him half an hour to understand what to do but then Jaime shoots him!  
  
Other Scientists- YEAH! (Money is placed on table)  
  
AM- (Completes the course instantly)  
  
Everyone- Damn it!  
  
Medi-bot in room- (Robotic laugh, and collects the cash)  
  
Walton- You were lucky.  
  
In the next room there are crates that are stacked, with some metal ones in a corner  
  
Jaime- Pick up one of the metal crates to help you climb upwards.  
  
AM- (Picks up a metal crate but drops it on his foot) AAARRRGGHH! MOTHERFUCKER!! (Kicks the metal crate) OWW!!  
  
Jaime- Oh jeez.  
  
_Eventually AM gets over and through, and he runs towards the ladder_  
  
Walton- Looks like he's getting into the swing of things.  
  
_AM runs up to the ladder and kicks it  
_  
Jaime- You have to climb it, not kill it!  
  
_AM climbs up, and the next obstacle is a pool.  
_  
AM- YAY! (Starts to jump in)  
  
Jaimes- Don't! The water's...(AM dives in) Oh brother!  
  
_AM gets to the other side, but he looks very green.  
_  
AM- Boy, somebody must have pissed in the water 'cause that tasted awful!  
  
Jaime- The thing next to you is a medi-bot, he won a bet earlier so he's very jumpy.  
  
_After getting healed AM goes into the next part, **combat training.  
**_  
Voice- Velcome to ze combat training area ya? I am Arnold Schartzennegger, or I vish I vas. First I vill teach you how to shoot gun ya?  
  
AM- What's it like being Governor of California?  
  
Voice- My name is Gunter Herman ya? Can you remvember zat?  
  
AM- Yeah. Sure.  
  
Gunter- Grab one of ze pistols and shoot at targets ya? But take your time or zay vill kill me back at Badass Squad.

_AM picks up two pistols and starts shooting from the hip and tries to look seriously cool, even though he isn't hitting the target which is 5 inches away.  
  
_Gunter- (To Walton) Can I shoot him ven zis is over?  
  
Walton- Err...Ehh...Nope.  
  
_AM moves onto 'ze' next area._  
  
Gunter- Ze rifle range is here. Shoot at ze targets if you can.  
  
AM picks up the rifle and starts using it as a hairbrush.  
  
Gunter- Gun. Shoot.  
  
AM- Meanie. And you were grumpy with John Connor in the third film.  
  
Gunter- Do not associate me vith ze Terminator ya?  
  
_After completing the rifle crap, AM is in the next area  
_  
Gunter- Ve shall blow up stuff ya?  
  
AM- YEAH!  
  
Gunter- See zat bot? Turn him on.  
  
AM- Perv.  
  
_AM switches on the bot and it gets blown up.  
_  
AM- Cool.  
  
Gunter- Now I shall teach you how to use ze LAM ya?  
  
AM- The only good lamb is on a plate.  
  
Walton- (To scientists) Check that: Will eat explosives for breakfast.  
  
Gunter- Pick up a LAM and place it on target and velease ze next vobot.  
  
AM- This looks like a CD player.  
  
Gunter- Don't do it!

_AM puts in a CD.  
_  
AM- (Singing, badly) "Eye of the tiger is the greater the bite-"  
  
BOOM!  
  
AM- Wow. (Checks himself in a mirror) Don't I look sexy?  
  
AM picks up another LAM and uses it properly.  
  
Gunter- Good, now ve vill teach you to blow more stuff ya?  
  
AM- Eat me pervert.  
  
Gunter- In zis area, toss a LAM down here and vatch it blow ya?  
  
_It blows up the door.  
_  
Gunter- Now blow ze wall! HARDER!  
  
AM- Dude, I may be dumb but explosives don't count as part of 'Karma Sutra' last time I checked!  
  
Gunter- Sorry. I am vith my sexy girlfriend Anna Navarre! You vill meat her...I mean meet her soon ya?  
  
AM- I can't wait! (Runs down corridor)  
  
Gunter- In zis area you must disarm ze LAMs before they blow ya?  
  
AM- Gotcha.  
  
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!  
  
Gunter- Did zay blow in your face?  
  
AM- Shut up.  
  
**Covert section  
**  
Voice- This is a simple test of ducking and stuff.  
  
AM- AARRGGHH!!  
  
Voice- What?  
  
AM- Your face! It's horrible!

Voice- I am Anna Navarre, Gunter's girlfriend who you were so eager to see.  
  
AM- Excuse me. (Throws up)  
  
Anna- (Ignoring his vomiting) In this area you have to hide your nice bottom away from the guards.  
  
AM- Stop looking at my butt!  
  
Anna- (In a sexy tone, if that's possible) And if you do not hurry up, you will be in for serious punishment!  
  
AM- SHIT!  
  
_AM runs at incredible speed through the door and onto the next area.  
  
_Anna- Good work. They have assigned us to be partners-  
  
AM- NNNOOO!!!  
  
Jaime- In this last area do what ever you want to get through.  
  
AM- Yes!  
  
_He starts throwing frogs at the bot and it gets confused and AM gets through. In the final rooms there are holograms all around.   
_  
Jaime- (About the Badass Squad soldier) This is a soldier from Badass Squad. They kick ass. 'Nuff said. (About the guy in brown) This is a member of the NSF, National Stupid Fucks, come to think of it you'll fit right in with this bunch. (About the big robot) This bot kills people. (About the other bot) It kills too, and...you can cook your meals on it-  
  
AM- Can I have a Winslow Burger for tonight?  
  
Jaime- Sure. (About the mech agents) These guys are tough, but bastards in personality. And they look ugly.  
  
AM- I agree with you there.  
  
Jaime- (About the nano agents) You're just like them, cool and looking nice, except they and you don't know how to smile.  
  
AM- That's not true! Look! (Tries do smile, but ends up with an expression similar to constipation) Okay, you're right.  
  
_In the next room is a hologram of BAD GUY 1, Bob Page.  
  
_Page- Wow, you're almost as cool as that film 'I know what you did last summer'.  
  
AM- Thanks. I guess, are you from the UN?  
  
Page- The real test comes next, active duty.  
  
AM- You haven't answered my question.  
  
Page- Yes. Interesting. That was quicker than the others.  
  
AM- Don't copy that confusing Reloaded speech please, it's too early in the morning for me.  
  
Page- Okay. Go kill people.

-------------------------------------------------  
  
Finally! Part 2 over, the next part is where the game officially begins! RR please!


	3. A court case from Hell and an island

Deus Ex is property of Edios, but I own the game, I bought it so I'm gonna poke fun at it in some random way. Thanks for all the comments...from years ago:)

----------------------------

_"Previously on Deus Ex: Patch Upgrade. Two villains, sharing a plight in the discussion of movies and world politics, making less sense than saying "No one can hire my feelings", but somehow a coherent plot was made out, involving film remakes and the obligatory BIO WEAPON and a world in ruins. Meanwhile, a man with an anagram, appropriately known as Anagram Man, went through his training into the Badass Squad, who for all intents and purposes, are a squad of badasses. Anagram Man may be stupid, but for all intents and purposes of this plot, is THE ONLY HOPE LEFT FOR HUMANITY. Yep, we always need those. Isn't it just convenient that most games involve the only hope left for humanity? I mean, what we really need is one REALLY big game where like all the heroes basically squash the villains and-"_

Anagram Man cut out the radio, he was on a boat (A thing that goes along water) to Liberty...Fascist Island. He had just finished his training, lasting a total of 4 years spent in those shabby grey corridors trying to understand what an instruction meant whilst many of the Badass Squad members pleaded into an asylum after repeatedly telling him to right-click on objects to pick them up. He personally testified at Jaime's plea for insanity, Anagram looked up at the stars and remembered the event like it was yesterday...

Because it was just yesterday.

**Yesterday, 11 am.**

"I object your honour!" Anagram Man shouted to the judge. The courtroom was packed with generic looking people, only different in their voice, and where they were sitting. Anagram was intending to make the statement of a lifetime.

"To the gentlemen of this court, hear my case and hear it well, for your ears will bleed afterwards. Women should not have to sit down, they should stand tall and proud! ...and preferably naked."

"What!?" All the women and the judge said at the same time, by magical means of unison. Or something like that. The judge spoke out in her powerful booming voice, making the "This is CNN" announcer sound like a giddy child looking at a games console. "That is a completely off topic and sexist statement-"

"So?" Anagram said innocently.

"The point of this trial is to deem whether Jaime Bond is correct in his plea for insanity in order to get away from you."

"You mean the job right?"

"No. You."

"HOW DARE YOU!? Me and Jaime are like brothers, we feel each other's pain, love, happiness, we share those things together, nothing can separate us, not even Chuck Norris!"

Everyone was rendered silent, for no one sought to mock Chuck Norris without asking for a death wish. They looked around nervously for the man to burst in and destroy Anagram. Nothing happened.

_Is everyone this stupid?_ The Judge thought. She looked at her watch for the time. _Great, 20 minutes wasted already...Wait, what? That's one helluva fast 20 minutes!_

"Firstly Mr...Man."

"That's me."

"You already have a brother. Why is he not in session with us, given his friendship with Jaime?"

"Dunno, the fucker ate my pie, so I sent him to China. Cos that's what people do to relatives they don't like...they send them to China."

The court room burst in uproar, at least in theory as one man shouted out "That's racist! You're nothing but a racist!" He wore a suit that seemed to say 'I_ have a personality, but you need to kill me in order to get it'_ look.

"Hey, he did the same to me when I was five years old." Anagram shouted back. "I remember it like it was yesterday, he sent away my mum-"

"Mom. We're in America, so use proper English." The suited man said.

"Right, my mum, screw you dude, and my dad were on this boat and I was like 'Hey, where's the beef? And...the captain told me that beef wasn't on the ship..." Anagram broke down into tears.

"Mr Man, you are more off topic than a GAME FAQS forum topic, and so I request that the court get back onto the topic at hand. And besides your brother wasn't born yet according to the birth certificate."

"Yeah, that's gonna bite the plot in the ass." Walton Simons muttered, glaring at Bob Page. "Whose idea was it to make the older brother younger in the report?" "Hey, I thought it would be funny to fuck with their minds once they find out!" Page whispered back. They were shushed by the woman in row in front, she wanted them to remain quiet whilst she read her book 'Frowning for idiots', she practiced one for her new frowns on them. It put the fear of God into them.

"Now, ladies and gentlemen. I would like to describe the case, Jaime Bond has requested to be imprisoned in an asylum after apparently been driven insane by one Anagram Man."

"I'd like to punch that bastard..oh, wait that's me!" Anagram blushed and sat down.

"I would like to bring in the accussed/defendent/ whatever into the room, Mr Jaime Bond." The Judge said, the room dimmed and lights went out. A spotlight focused on the door and as Jaime entered techno music blasted out of the speakers and a disco ball flashed around the room. Anagram enjoyed the music greatly, and so danced badly and thrusted his crotch in the judge's direction, she promptly turned off the music and smacked him in 'that area' with the hammer. The first request brought before the testimony began was ice. Jaime stood up.

"It was a while ago now, but every time I think of Badass Squad I remember a horribly annoying man that drove me to the edge of insanity."

"Can you point out the man for us?" His lawyer said. Who also happened to be the judge, the budget for this courtroom session was more cut back and hacked more than victims in a horror film.

"Oh! Oh! This is where it gets good!" The suited man shouted from the audience. As soon as Jaime pointed at a surprised, but for no good reason, Anagram Man, he booed them. "Can't wait till the Blu-Ray disc of this comes out!" He whispered to the guy next to him "Maybe I can do the episode commentaries!"

"Mr Anagram, how do you plead to this?" The Judge/ Lawyer/ Whatever asked.

"Guilty...with a slice of pie on top! YOU were insane before you met me! You kept telling me to 'right-click' on everything! You must be a sick, sick man in order for me to obey your perverted request!"

"That's disgusting!" Uttered the suited man, before turning to the person next to him. "Maybe I can do a porno." The woman practicing frowning overheard this and gave him a heart attack with a frown that shaped the earth. Thankfully it was resolved in a matter of seconds by her nice frown.

Back to the plot, somewhat anyway. Jaime was struck silent by Anagram, before the Judge turned to him. "This true, did you tell him to right-click on everything? That is an arcane practice! What do you have to say in your defence Mr Bond?"

"He...HE DROVE ME INSANE! INSANNEEE!!"

"You did not deny what Mr. Man just said, therefore I have no choice but to deny your request to be put into an asylum, go back to work tomorrow." The Judge slammed down the hammer and closed the case, and a large handwritten sign by the suited man was placed on Jaime's pedestal, simply stating one important fact.

OWNED.

"Well, see you tomorrow!" Anagram Man said before skipping away, Jaime then tried to kill himself in a really obscure way, nobody had much of an idea what he was doing, needless to say they told him to stop and so he did, but had to let out a scream that damaged the building, making a single brick hit Anagram Man on the head.

**The day after, on the boat. Yep, back there finally, on with the plot. **

Anagram Man rubbed his head; the flashback was long enough to allow the driver to park up to the island's harbour. After parking the boat the driver turned to Anagram.

"Listen, don't patronise me by having flashbacks on the boat."

"Wait, what? How did you know that?"

"Simple, you had your head held back, the relaxed posture, and staring off into a random part of the landscape, in this case, the stars, before staring at my penis."

"Whatever, look, there's a situation that requires my attention-"

"I pity the poor soul who wants that."

"FINE. See you later." Anagram Man disembarked the boat, and received a transmission, coming from a guy with glasses.

"I'm Alex Jacobson. Welcome to Badass Squad, your brother Paul is on his way to meat you at the dock-"

"Firstly, hi. Secondly, 'meat'? You mean 'meet'. Right?"

"Yep, I do." Before muttering out loud. "Damnit, no hentai fantasies for real!"

Unfortunately for him Anagram heard that over the radio "NO ANIMATED PORN ON MY WATCH! Off the clock is okay though."

"Thanks. Anyway I will monitor your situation, you see, terrorists have raided the island. Bye." Alex said casually before cutting off.

"Wait, terrorists! Let me out of here!" He screamed in his panic as the boat drove off with the driver flipping him the bird, literally, a dead sparrow landed in his hands. In a sheer state of panic, it did not help Anagram to see a large figure charging towards him.

"I admit it! I watch Van Damme films! My favourite film is The Order! Please! Don't kill me!" The shadow loomed closer, dominating the begging Anagram like a bondage slave.

"I freaking knew it! It's me Anagram!"

"Paul? Is that you?"

"It's me, Paul!"

"Is that you Paul?"

"Yes it is, enough with the Resident Evil form of communication. Get up." Paul was a lot smarter than Anagram, which made sense really. Anagram Man got up, at walked along the pier, seeing one guard and a mech patrolling the area.

"Terrorists targeted the plaque vacinne, Ambrosia, which is Greek for food of the Gods and means that people get a good diet going, there's not much left in this world."

"Slow down, okay? Now, terrorists targeted Greek which is food with Gods in it and people die with not much in this world? Right?"

"Close enough." Paul really didn't feel like arguing with his dumbass brother. "Command wants to see how you handle the situation, I REALLY don't know why, but orders are orders and so you have 3 choices. 1: An electric prod. 2: A tranquilser or a REALLY BIG ROCKET LAUNCHER. Your choice, but I heard the Rocket Launcher is good for this time of year."

"That's why I choose...THE PIE!" Anagram leaned over and picked up a crusty old pie that was lying on the ground.

"The world is doomed." Paul uttered as before he had a chance to explain the hostage situation, Anagram ran straight off into the field of battle.

And straight into a bin.

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Sorry it took so long, I hope you enjoyed it! Comments and constructive criticism is great, thanks!


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